Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
