i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
