I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
