Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Can I color on your dick again?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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