Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
