All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
