I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize