I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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