So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
