my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
