so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
