Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
