Apparently you make a good broom.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
