gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
