I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
