You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
