we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
