eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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