Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I have aggressive nipples.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
