He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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