Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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