He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
