am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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