Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
be right there i have to get my cape
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
