your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
