got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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