we have pet lesbian snakes
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
