I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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