With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
