my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
