The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
