hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i now understand why vodka
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
