I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
