He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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