Your face is a jimmy john
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize