dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
