yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
