Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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