Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
