Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
