i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
