So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
