Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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