I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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