I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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