The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
