My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize