I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
