my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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