a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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