Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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