I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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