wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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