so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
