I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
